


Behind Each Day

by BrainlessGenius



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Conflict Resolution, Confrontations, Denial of mental illnesses, Depression, Eventual Fluff, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Morality | Patton Sanders Has Feelings, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Good Friend, Protective Deceit | Janus Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, TOO GOOD, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:02:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25183705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrainlessGenius/pseuds/BrainlessGenius
Summary: “Have you ever told them?”Told them what doc?“About the nightmares? About the nights where you cry yourself to sleep? About the smile on your face that you’re not sure is even real? About your condition? About your sessions with me?”…“About your depression?”…No.
Relationships: Anxiety & Creativity & Dark Creativity & Deceit & Logic & Morality (Sanders Sides)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 85





	1. Chapter 1

“Great to see you Patton! Please, make yourself comfortable. Now, would you mind telling me how your day usually goes?”

**Patton’s PoV**

_Beep beep_

_Beep beep_

_Beep be-_

My everyday starts after my hand finally finds the switch of the alarm clock and I slowly open my eyes. I feel for my glasses, put them on, and read the time.

_6:00 am_

I actually don’t know why I still bother reading the time when I wake up at the exact same hour each day.

I get up, splash some water on to my face, freshen up a little, fix myself up, then head down the hall.

I pass by Logan’s room, where the sound of silence reassures me of his well needed rest. 

Next is Roman’s where if I listen good enough I could hear his snoring; probably the result of another tiring adventure.

I finally pass by Virgil’s room. I stop for a while and just listen. I let relief wash over me when all I hear is soft music playing from his speakers; usually a sign of a peaceful sleep.

I then head on to the kitchen where I scan the fridge and cupboards for something to cook. I brew some coffee, make tea for Roman, and by the time breakfast is done cooking Logan is already up and pouring coffee into his favorite mug.

“Good morning Logan! Finished your work last night?”

“Not yet, but I think I’m halfway done.” 

Logan seats himself in his usual spot on the table and takes a sip of his drink.

“Good coffee as always Pat.”

“Of course! Have to make sure you get your morning jump start after all.”

Roman barges in the dining area just as I set down the food. I always think the smell of food down the hall is the thing that manages to wake him up.

“Logan, no offense to your bitter, caffeine-riddled drink, but I just can’t stand its aroma.”

“Roman, though you say that everyday I don’t plan on giving up this drink any time soon… and your tea is in the kettle as always.”

“Ah yes, my sweet-smelling, soothing, rejuvenating tea; a much better alternative to whatever on earth you’re pouring down your throat.”

“Roman just sit down and let me have my coffee.”

I always found the two’s bickering to be quite amusing. 

Now, Virgil doesn’t have a constant waking time but on some occasions he’d actually wake up early enough to join all of us for breakfast. I really appreciate days like those. It feels nice to have all four of us complete at the table.

The first to leave is usually Logan; where the next we’ll see him is by dinner time. 

Roman likes to take his time enjoying his tea but once he takes his last sip he’s off to…

Come to think of it, none of us really know where Roman sets off to. He just disappears for most of the day and comes back by afternoon. I always have the first aid kit ready for those days where he comes back bruised and beaten.

He never really takes my advice to take it easy a bit on the adventuring.

Now, I’m proud to say that Virgil has been improving these past few months but of course every once in a while there’d be times where he’d wake up later than the others, and he’d come in looking a bit disheveled. During those days he doesn’t have to say a word. He can just come right up to me, no matter what I’m doing, and without uttering a single sentence I’d envelope him in the warmest hug; and there he could tell me anything, and everything, and cry all that he needs to. 

I admit I’m not really the best person in giving out advice but the best I could do is be there for him. Afterwards I’ll be ready with a warm cup of hot cocoa and we’d usually just sit around for a while, until Virge feels like getting up and doing his own thing; but never without thanking me, although I always tell him he never needs to.

After I clean up, sometimes with a little help from Virge, that sweet angel, I make lunch. I stiil call out for the others and every once in a while Roman comes out and joins us. Logan, he never really remembers to eat cause he’s too busy; so I make it a point to leave him lunch by his door and knock a few times to remind him. 

Afterwards I usually have the time to myself. All the others are out there doing their own thing so I just… make myself busy I guess. Don’t get me wrong, it’s always a pleasant surprise to see one of them and talk to them for a bit but it seldom happens. 

I admit it can get quite… boring. Except on the occasions where Roman comes back bruised from heaven knows where then I’m always willing to patch him up. Aside from that, I don’t usually recall what I do until it’s time to get ready for dinner. 

Then of course, dinner will happen, stories will be told, a few chuckles thrown around, then I clean up and head back down the hall. 

I always pass by each of their doors, checking each of them to see that they’re fine. And of course I never forget to bid them good night before retreating to my own room.

I guess that’s it!

“Have you ever told them?”

Told them what doc?

“About the nightmares? About the nights where you cry yourself to sleep? About the smile on your face that you’re not sure is even real? About your condition? About your sessions with me?”

…

“About your depression?”

…

No.

“Why not?”

Because I can’t be depressed.

“Why do you think so?”

‘Cause someone has to be there for them. 

Someone needs to be strong for them. 

And if that someone isn’t me, then who else is it going to be?


	2. Chapter 2

Logan looked like a mess.

His back ached from being hunched over for too long, his eyes stung from extended moments without blinking, and his head had began throbbing from the work. Maintaining Thomas’s sense of logic wasn’t an easy job; but it was one he was well accustomed to, and frankly, he liked it.

Just as he began stretching his fatigued arms and torso, a knock sounded from behind him.

_12:15 pm_

_Must have forgotten lunch again. I should really work on my time-keeping._

He opened the door, expecting to find a plate of food on the floor, but was instead welcomed by gloved hands holding two separate meals.

“Good afternoon nerdy wolverine. Just thought _I wouldn’t_ drop by.”

“Janus, as much as I am smart enough to know what you mean, it’s entirely unnecessary. So can you please just speak like any human being?”

Janus took this as an invitation to get in and set down the plates on Logic’s study; settling himself on the bed just beside it.

“Well I don’t think we are exactly human, aren’t we Logan?”

“True, but I know very well you know what I mean. I shall not waste time explaining such irrelevant concepts to a fellow intellectual.”

Both facets began to pick at their food. Neither really cared for the satisfaction of their tastebuds, only for physical sustenance.

“Very well. I do enjoy our little talks Logan, but that’s not what I’m here for.”

“I assume it’s of extreme relevance. You wouldn’t expend energy coming to our side of the mindscape if not for something important.”

A breathy chuckle escaped his scaled counterpart.

“You know me so well, dear Logic. But this matter is one that concerns you too; assuming you would be concerned.”

Logan took the time to stop his spoon halfway to his mouth, opting instead to raise an eyebrow at his company.

“This is about a fellow side of yours; a certain moral facet.”

The spoon never got to his mouth; only unceremoniously plopped back down to the plate.

“Patton?”

“Yeah, who else? I thought you were supposed to be the smart one?” It took all he had not to roll his eyes at Deceit for that one.

“What about him then?”

“It’s been keeping me up at night quite frankly. I could sense someone was was stirring up a lie; and a big one at that. Someone was putting up a mask, Logan. A figurative one, but a mask nonetheless.”

“Patton? With that much sunshine in his system I find myself doubting your conclusion.”

Janus might have accidentally set down his utensils too quick with a loud clang; or maybe it wasn’t really an accident.

“By instinct I of course thought it would be Thomas, but as I checked up on him I found him to be undoubtedly fine. It took a bit of deduction and tinkering but I found what I needed to confirm which side was the culprit.”

Deceit reached into his coat and pulled out a notebook. It was certainly used. The red, soft cover had uncountable creases and the pages were far from its smooth, pristine state.

“What’s this?”

“A notebook obviously. One you might find in the hands of a therapist.”

Logan sifted through the pages and found that whoever this therapist was certainly had Patton as a patient. He was the only patient in fact.

“When have we ever had a therapist in here?”

“We don’t. Patton’s been creating him every time he needed someone to talk to. And the fact that he needs to conjure an entire being despite having three of you in here with him is probably not a good sign, is it Logan?”

Logan had certainly registered everything Janus had said, but his eyes were focused on something else. His gaze was set on a single word in this notebook that pulled on his chest more than he would care to admit.

_**Depression** _

“Is this silence I sense from the usually word-spitting persona? Is this guilt I feel emanating from you?”

“Don’t be preposterous. You know I have no such capacity.”

Deceit took his precious time cleaning up the remains of his meal before answering.

“Ahh, yes but you see Logan, you can never lie to me. We both know that’s not entirely true. You’re guilty, and you _care._ Now, I know despite this, emotions will still never be your strong side. So do what you’re good at and educate yourself and perhaps while you’re at it, why not inform the others as well, hmm?”

“I… Patton? I never would have guessed. Why?”

“Depression doesn’t always have obvious or even rational reasons Smarty.”

“I guess it just, never really occurred to me.”

“I think the more accurate statement would be: _I just never really saw it._ Cause Logan honey, be honest. Were _any_ of you really paying attention?”

Deceit was now leaning towards him, elbow on thigh and knuckle on chin, his expression bordering on anger, fear, and concern.

“I think… not.”

“Precisely.”

The deceitful side swiftly stood up, took his empty plate and Logan’s half-emptied dish, and headed for the door.

“Wait. I must certainly offer you my gratitude, but may I ask, why do this? You didn’t have to.”

Janus remained standing with his back turned against Logic, the door half open.

“Because contrary to popular belief, I do _not_ care.”

Not even a second later, Deceit was gone.

And once again, Logan was smart enough to know what he meant.

He remained seated, staring at the notebook in his hands. He knew it was wrong to see such personal details but he wasn’t interested in that. He was decent enough to pay the respect his friends deserved. He was much more interested in other, more eye-catching, details.

Such as the date of each session, the time, and location.

Apparently, Patton was more systematic than he thought.

Indeed, Janus was right. It was about time he, Virgil, and Roman took action. He was no Einstein when it came to matters of emotion but he has enough knowledge to know that what Morality is going through was no passing matter. If left to fester it might affect Patton in… unsatisfactory ways.

The thickness of this particular notebook pained him. It told him how long Patton, Thomas’s heart, had been hiding this; putting up an excellent facade of a cheery father figure who was always there for them.

Come to think of it, when were they ever there for him?

For the first time in so long the logical facet felt… illogical. He never thought something as superficial as emotion could take up this much space in his head.

It was hard to admit but he found himself scared and concerned for his fellow aspect. Deceit, despite his name was right.

Logan felt and cared more than he let on. And he certainly wanted to help. In all the ways that he can.

He couldn’t do it alone either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're all doing okay! Every little support and kudos is eternally appreciated. Follow me on Tumblr [@nerdy-emo-royal-dad](https://nerdy-emo-royal-dad.tumblr.com/)!. Stay safe, fams! <3


	3. Chapter 3

The clock seemed to getting louder with each passing second.

Patton stared at its moving hands, feeling almost taunted by the obnoxious ticking.

_**3:55 pm** _

_Should I go? There’s probably nothing better to do._

_**3:56 pm** _

He’d started pacing about the empty living room; painfully aware of the absence of 3 other people… of someone to talk to.

_**3:57 pm** _

_They’re all probably busy, as always. Maybe I can check up on them?_

**_3:58 pm_ **

He hadn’t even noticed when he had started biting his nails.

**_3:59 pm_ **

_Maybe I could go through today without visiting him. Maybe this is a start. I can manage this, right?_

**_4:00 pm_ **

Wrong.

Without any second thinking, Patton sighed, got up, and headed to the library. He knew only Logan went here often, but Patton soon found out that the logical side never came on certain days; specifically Mondays. He never really figured out why. No matter what the reason was, he was just thankful for it; ‘cause it meant every Monday, the library was his.

He knew it would probably have been best if he just… opened up to the others but it scared him.

He didn’t know what they would think, how they’d react, nor even how to say it to them 

He was Patton, he was Thomas’ heart, his morality, his emotions, and their dad. He was meant to be happy. He was meant to smile; to be there for them, pick them up, guide them, help them.

It was only natural that he helped himself.

He slowly opened the door, careful to check if anyone was around, then softly shut it behind him.

“Good afternoon Patton.”

Morality jumped a bit; startled at the sudden voice that came from… where did it come from? His ability at creating this make-do therapist must be getting stronger if he was already here without Patton doing anything yet.

“Hey doc, great to hear you as always, but uhm… I think it would be better if I could see you?”

Patton was glancing around the empty library, looking for any sign of the doctor, when a figure moving in an unlit part of the room caught his eye. The cardigan clad aspect stayed by the door, now unsure of the identity of the person moving towards him.

When the figure came fully into the light, Patton found his heart practically stopping in its place; staring straight ahead at the tie-wearing persona in front of him.

“Logan! I… I thought you didn’t come here on Mondays?”

He did try to think up a dad joke for that, but he found his mind blank.

“I thought today might be an exception.”

“Oh. Why’d ya think so?”

He pretended not to notice how the usually collected side in front of him was fidgeting.

“Because I think you’re worth breaking my schedule for.”

Well that… was unexpected.

Patton wasn’t very good at deadlines, schedules, or numbers, but he knew Logan saying that was like Thomas giving up a callback.

It was very unlike him. 

He had barely thought about how to feel about Logic’s words when another voice spoke up out of nowhere.

“And I think you’re worth more than any adventure Padre.”

It was all flattering but the sudden shifts in his fellow sides were getting hard to keep up with. 

“Or worth getting out of my comfort zone Pat.”

_What on earth is going on??_

He’s not sure where Roman came from, neither when Virgil appeared beside the prince, but he’s certain that he doesn’t like how things are playing out.

“Oh, none of you didn’t have to-”

“Patton, we _wanted_ to.”

_Do they know? How? Why are they here? What’s happening? I don’t know I’m confused what-_

Before Morality’s buzzing head could even think of the next words he should say, Logan pulled out a very familiar red notebook.

His mind began running at top speed; his heart filling with dread at the thought of every word in that notebook.

“How…”

“We never read anything if that’s what you wanted to know.”

Those words should’ve eased his head but he found himself in the same state he was in a few minutes ago. Maybe even the same state he has been in for years.

Even through the rapid speed everything was going at, Patton felt the gentle hand on his shoulder; not realizing that his own were shaking quite a lot.

“Pat, you don’t have to tell us anything you don’t have to, but you can’t keep doing this too.”

“We can help you Padre…”

“We’ll try to make up for it Patton…”

He was sure they were saying such lovely things but for the love of all things good he can’t seem to register any of them. Everything seemed to be moving all too quickly. All their voices just blended with each other. Roman’s going over Virgil’s, Virgil’s breaking off, getting loud then softening, and Logan’s being drowned by the sea of the other two’s vocal waves. 

He could hear the pounding of his head and the thumping of his heart. There was just so much in so little time and he can’t understand what was happening _makeitSTOP-_

“They’re sorry.”

As if a spell had been waved, the three’s orchestra of voices halted and the clouds in his head cleared by a bit. Four pairs of eyes moved to look at a scaled figure standing before them. His focus appeared to be locked on the pale moral side; a look of concern passing his features for a bit, before being skillfully returned to his resting poker face. 

Instinctively, a certain princely aspect made a move to stand in front of them all; opting for a protective stance that seemed to come natural to him.

“This is not the time for an unwanted visit from a reptilian rapscalli-”

“ **All** they wanted to say… was sorry. Oh, and Patton dear I know you’re mind is reeling right now but I need you to take a breath for me, hmm?”

He hadn’t even noticed he was holding it.

All four of them could do nothing but merely stare as Deceit gingerly took off both of his gloves; an act Janus rarely ever did in front of the light sides.

“I knew Logan would need help getting his feelings across but I never thought everyone else would have the same problem. I could feel every single one of you all the way from the deepest parts of the mindscape. I had to call off a little chat with Remus but that’s not important.”

Patton was severely and utterly confused, Logan looked ashamed, Roman felt fear, but Virgil was furious.

“So what are you suggesting? That everything we’ve been saying were lies? That none of those were genuine?”

Deceit allowed himself the liberty of a small chuckle.

“Well, you lot might have been going a tad bit too fast but what I’m saying is far from that dear comrade.” 

Deceit turned his attention from Virgil back to the cardigan-clad side.

“Patton, I know things are a bit hard to take in at the moment but I assure you…”

He put his left hand up in an oath-like manner.

“…that everything they’ve told you was true; but not the complete truth.”

The four could do nothing but listen on.

“You want the whole truth Morality? Yes, they know. _We_ know; and they’re afraid. They’re all riddled with guilt. They all care deeply, massively for you but they are unsure what to do. They want to help but they don’t know how.” 

Patton couldn’t believe what he was hearing. With such courage as Roman how could they be afraid? With such pure intentions as Virgil, why would they feel guilt? Being as busy and knowledgeable as Logan, how could they care or feel unsure?

“They’re all trying to appear strong but really all they want to know is if you can forgive them, and if you would let them help you; because they _want_ to. They really do.”

Oh. Slowly he let Deceit’s words sink in. He let it enter his mind and run down all the way to his heart. He allowed himself to believe that this might just be what he had been missing all this time. Second by second he let the fog leave his mind; gently letting himself comprehend that this was all really happening.

Patton barely noticed the wet trail running from his eyes and down his cheeks. He looked to the three aspects around him, and found their heads bowed down in… fear? shame? guilt? pride? He doesn’t know.

Slowly their gazes met his one by one, and for a while no one spoke; as if a single word would crumble the space surrounding them.

“He’s right Patton.”

The moral aspect turned to look at Logan who, to his surprise, seemed to be battling with his own tears as well.

“We are terribly, terribly sorry.”

“You’ve always been there for us Pat, but I guess none of us were looking, nor even listening.”

“Padre, I think it’s about time that you let us be there for you… if you’ll let us.”

As the center of all of Thomas’ feelings, he should be able to tell every single one the second it bloomed out of his chest; but at that moment he couldn’t name a single one.

It felt as if a wall had just broken around him. He felt lighter, like a dam had just been opened, as if all his makeup had been washed away.

Tears were flowing, but a smile was showing, yet his heart was racing while his mind stood still.

Even the embodiment of the heart could not describe the cacophony of feelings he had at that very moment.

“Oh kiddos, you know I won’t forgive you.”

The entire room felt like it had been dropped from the highest floor.

“Pat… listen, we-”

“Because I already have.”

And suddenly it felt as though it had been lifted up again, along with the corners of the lips of Patton’s fellow aspects. Before he knew it he had been enveloped in a tight, warm, terribly needed hug; surrounded by the sweet laughter of those around him.

“By the tail of the dragon witch you scared us.”

“I’m not good at comfort Pat but I’m a damn good listener just watch me.”

“What do you say Patton? Will you… allow us to help you?”

A few seconds of silence.

“Well, it won’t happen in a day, but I think I’d love that.”

A few more.

“And we love you.”

He was far from okay, and he knew it would take a long time to get there. But he knows as long as the people he loves are around him, it will get easier in time.

Their attention was successfully gained by a cough from Logan. 

“I am not accustomed to these things… but may I suggest a gathering later on? A so-called movie night if you so wish.”

The moral, anxious, and royal facet’s eyes lit up almost simultaneously.

“A _Disney_ movie night!”

“A _Disney_ movie night!”

“A _Disney_ movie night!”

“Why did I even bother.”

Caught up among the light banter and soft laughter of the group, Patton almost missed a caped persona ducking back into the shadows.

“Janus!”

Deceit stopped and turned his scaled face towards Patton; an unreadable expression on his face.

“Would you like to join us? I say the more the merrier!”

Even the Lord of the Lies couldn’t hide the small hint of a smile from Thomas’ heart.

“For you Patton, I don’t see why not.”

Before he could fully sink back into his realm his ears were met with some final words from Roman.

“Bring forth my brother as well! About time the duke tasted some popcorn that wasn’t _Nose Trimmings_ flavored.”

A bow was executed by the semi-cold-blooded side.

“Will do Your Highness. Oh, and Patton?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m looking forward to such a peaceful slumber tonight.”

He was gone in a split second.

Patton might have not gotten Janus’ parting words but looking back on his and Janus’ last conversation, Logan couldn’t help but smile at the implications.

Later during their little movie night, while Roman and Virgil fought over Disney’s hidden messages, and while Logan pointed out to him all the inconsistencies, oh, and while Janus tried to block out Remus’ little side comments, Patton found himself… content.

And if he cried later on during an emotional part of the film (maybe Princey did too), it was alright.

He no longer felt alone, he had nothing to hide, he was surrounded by all these wonderful people, and most importantly, he felt loved. 

No one said a thing when the notebook slowly vanished into thin air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my best work, but I needed to practice after years of inactivity so.... yeah. Hope you're all doing okay! Every little support and kudos is eternally appreciated. Follow me on Tumblr [@nerdy-emo-royal-dad](https://nerdy-emo-royal-dad.tumblr.com/)!. Stay safe, fams! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you're all doing okay! Every little support and kudos is eternally appreciated. Follow me on Tumblr [@nerdy-emo-royal-dad](https://nerdy-emo-royal-dad.tumblr.com/)!. Stay safe, fams! <3


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